Personal Archives - Leaf and Steel

Turning Off the TV

May 25, 2022

Some days, it’s okay to just turn off the TV.

It’s okay to put yourself in a little bubble. Skip dinner. Bake chocolate chip cookies. Eat the cookies for dinner.

I pulled up the news last night on my phone and instantly exited the page. I texted my husband something like, “I’m not looking, don’t tell me anything”.

I swiftly deleted all social media off my phone. I called my closest friend and cried. Cried in the shower. Cried about something happening to my child. I realized that she was sound asleep in her crib on the other side of the wall.

The disconnect between the way that I feel and my reality feels vast on days like yesterday. There’s so much terror. Such an ugly word. A word reserved for such extreme moments. Like yesterday.

I read something a long time ago that went along the lines of “our brains weren’t meant to process suffering on such a large scale”. I don’t know the quote. If you know the quote, let me know.

Basically, our brains aren’t designed for this. I wasn’t designed for this.

I used to think that being in on all the news meant that you were intelligent and informed and compassionate, and that’s probably true.

I used to feel like I knew everything about everything. I checked the news compulsively and I didn’t check my own suffering while ogling others’. Ladies and gentlemen, I am bowing out.

I don’t know any details. I don’t want to know. It’s not a hurricane warning – there’s nothing I need to know that’s going to change anything.

I have hope for a different future. Every generation has it’s stuff. I use statistics to quiet my anxiety and I hug my baby girl a little bit tighter, like every other mother in America.

I hope you do a gut check, and know that sometimes it’s okay to turn off the TV and put down your phone and take care of yourself during times like these.

There’s so much good in the world, still.

You find what you look for.

27 Lessons in 27 Years

February 19, 2022

It’s my birthday!

Well, it was. I’m officially 28!

Where should a young woman be at 28?

The truth is, I have no idea.

I took markers of “success” off of a timeline years ago.

“Age is just a number”. It’s the oldest cliche.

It gets repeated for a reason.

It doesn’t really matter when or how you get to to the things that you want, or if those things look different to you than your peers.

Let me tell you about the last 6 months…

My life is different than it was 6 months ago – how amazing is that?

I created some habits that I practiced (almost) daily that made monumental changes to how I felt about myself and how I handled my procrastination issues.

Some of the changes that I made six months ago were:

Blog consistently
Get moving every day
Tidy my house at the end of the night

That’s it! Nothing groundbreaking. After dozens and dozens of speeches to myself saying “this is the day I’m going to change my life!”, it was the creation of tiny habits that actually changed me.

Where I am now.

I’m in what they call a good place. What that means to me is I’m pretty content with the way that I handle things and what I’ve done in my life so far.

What I wish I had done differently at this point in my life.

I could make a post called “27 Regrets in 27 Years”, but I don’t think I have that many. I’m a big believer in the “everything happens for a reason” baloney. The decisions that I’ve made in the past have brought me to this exact moment.

I know that if I had done one thing differently in my past that my daughter wouldn’t be here today.

If I do have one regret, it’s not wearing my retainer after I got my braces off. Now, I’ll eventually have to spend thousands of dollars to fix my crooked teeth. I’d like to thank my 16-year-old self for the lack of foresight.

27 Things I’ve Learned in 27 Years

It’s okay to love the things you love (music, clothing, etc.).
There is no way around car maintenance – it’s not going to fix itself.
Love is a very small fraction of what makes relationships work.
Tattoos are permanent (the reality of this didn’t really sink in until a few years ago).
Spend more time with the people you love.
Get some hobbies that you won’t try to monetize- better still, do some volunteering! Anthony P Orlich talks more about the benefits of this on his blog.
It’s okay to not be informed about everything going on in the world.
There is a right and a wrong way to apologize.
If it can be done now, do it now.
You get out what you put in, in most cases.
Don’t pour boiling hot water on your windshield.
Books are not a waste of time.
Neither are really good TV shows.
Never mix bleach with another cleaning product.
It’s never too late to start.
Time really does go by faster the older you get.
You gain more confidence with time (a group of “old” ladies told me this and I didn’t believe them).
There is freedom in routines.
If you spend the money to go to a professional, filing taxes isn’t all that painful.
You will only have yourself at the end of the day.
“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
Take care of your body.
You don’t have to be productive all the time.
Be exceptionally kind to service people.
Good sleep and free time are the true currencies of adulthood.
You can change your life through actions, not decisions.
Joy is a choice.

Are you in a “good place” in your life?

Do you agree or disagree with anything on this list?

Let me know below!

2022’s Word of the Year

January 1, 2022

2022’s word of the year is…drumroll please….COURAGE!

You may have heard of the idea of choosing a word of the year instead of or in addition to a New Year’s resolution.

Each year, my friends and I select a word for the New Year. We share them with each other and then check in throughout the year to see how much progress we’ve made with it!

This year, I’m going with courage.

I have so much that I want to accomplish in 2022, and I can’t do it without f

I remember being a preschool teacher and being SO anxious to talk to this, ahem, intense parent about their child’s behavior.

Right before I had to meet with them, I was discussing my fears with my boss, terrified.

“Don’t be scared,” she told me, before doubling back.

“Or be scared, and do it anyway”.

Courage isn’t the absence of fear. It’s being scared and doing it anyway.

That’s the kind of energy that I want to bring into 2022.

Why choose a word?

Choosing a word of the year can be a less stressful alternative to a New Year’s resolution. Resolutions are easily broken or difficult to maintain for a full year.

Picking a word that you’d like to bring into the New Year offers infinite opportunities for practice and growth with that principle.

How do I pick a word?

There are plenty of lists out there online. Taking a few moments to meditate on what you are leaving behind in 2021 and what you want to cultivate in 2022 can be helpful.

I noticed that in 2021 I was holding myself back in a lot of areas of my life because the logistics of getting what I wanted seemed too complicated or scary. Part of why I chose my word was because I felt myself turning away from opportunities because I wasn’t willing to practice courage.

I wanted to leave all the self-doubt and fear in 2021.

Ironically, the word courage scares me. That’s how I know it’s something I need.

How do I use my word of the year?

You practice it!

My word last year was discipline. I practiced discipline in my day to day life by exercising, writing consistently, and working hard to keep my house clean.

It’s cool to sit back at the end of the year and see how that principle has altered your life.

There have been a few years where I can’t even remember what mine was by the time the next ball drops, and that’s okay.

I think the important thing about New Year’s resolutions and choosing words is really about acknowledging that we still have room to grow and we are capable of change.

Do you choose a word for the New Year?

If so, what’s your word?

What do you want to bring into 2022?

Let me know below!

Reflecting and Moving On: Goodbye 2021

December 31, 2021

Last year I wrote a post called “If Not Now, When?”. It’s about how the years have passed on and I haven’t changed. It’s about how I wanted to do more with this blog and the only thing standing in my way was me.

Well, I wrote 96 posts this year. I had brand deals. I made some affiliate and ad income. I feel really proud about where I’ve taken this blog. The only difference between this year and the last was that I sat down and wrote.

I feel good about 2021 as a whole. I’m proud of myself. I feel like I did more than just get through it. If you just got through it, that’s more than enough.

I’m 27 and I have a new lease on life. Something inside me changed this year.

I’ve been thinking about big bangs.

I watched a family member go through a breakup and move across the country. A big bang.

I watched my friend lose her brother, and leave her job to pursue her art. A big bang.

I was always waiting for these little things to change the fiber of who I was. I thought if I drank more water or had more money or exercised more I would become who I wanted to be.

I was always waiting on more.

I just needed my own big bang.

I was monkey-barring my way through life. I had settled into this mindset that certain things I wanted were out of reach.

And then I had my daughter. My big bang.

She made me feel good enough. She made me feel worthy of all things good. I never want her to feel limited. That’s how I’ve felt as an adult, limited.

I’m going into 2022 with infinite opportunity. I hope you do the same.

Humbly,

The Weirdest Week of the Year

December 27, 2021

…it is, isn’t it?

The week between Christmas and New Year’s is weird.

Our decorations are still up and my pants still don’t fit.

Everyone is nervous about the virus, and rightfully so. It is burning through New York right now, and it seems everyone I know has it.

I have this fidgety energy around the New Year and all the things I want to accomplish.

I know that this week is meant for relaxation and reflection, but I can’t bring myself to do either!

I just can’t wait for a fresh start in January. I find myself sighing loudly throughout the day, as if I could let out all the distress of 2021 out in a sigh.

In a few days I’ll be clinking my glass of Martinelli’s and on my merry way to a new and shiny year.

Exhausted,

Our First Autumn

October 7, 2021

It’s her first autumn.

We walk. She turns her head back and forth, watching the wind blow through the trees. I show her how to crunch leaves. She shows me how to eat them.

I see now that it’s my first autumn as well.

We bring the blanket outside. She points to the house. She points to the bushes. She points to her swing.

We bake pumpkin rolls. We listen to fall songs. We read fall books. She turns the pages.

These moments are borrowed.

Sometimes I feel as if she’s on loan to me.

The rational science part of me leaves and I really feel like we were placed with each other, rather than her being the result of conception.

She is the constant reminder to be here now.

2020 Goal: Live Like I’m Dying

December 30, 2019

I’ve never been one for New Year’s resolutions.

Especially not now. You see, I completed mine. It was to go one year without Diet Coke. I did it. I thought about drinking one every once and awhile, but didn’t.

Drinking Diet Coke wasn’t ruining my life; I just wanted to prove that I could do it. I wanted to show myself that I could not do something for a year.

But yesterday, I had a moment. I was packing my bag for work and I realized that I haven’t done a thing this year.

I put off so much.

I said no to so much.

I let so many calls go to voicemail and settled for “good enough” in most areas of my life.

So, what are my hi-lights of this year? Besides not drinking soda? I broke my wrist and lost a pregnancy. I got through both of these things with grace. But, they both happened to me, I didn’t make them happen.

I haven’t done a thing in 2019.

As I nervously jolt into the new year I thought of that Tim McGraw song “Live Like You Were Dying. It’s from forever ago. Yes, 2004 was forever ago.

It’s so cheesy, but I love this song. It tells the story of, well, living like you were dying. The lyrics are sentimental and powerful:

“I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I’d been denying”

That’s the energy I want in 2020. I’ve put off so much. Here are the things I want to bring into the New Year:

More photos. You can never take too many photos, especially with loved ones.
Saying yes. Yes to friends, yes to risks. I let my friendships fall to the wayside constantly, and that has to change.
Writing more. I say this every year. Maybe when the ball drops it’ll stick.

And that’s it. I want more out of live.

I almost died. I deserve to take the biggest slice of cake.

What are your goals in 2020?