I have two small children, limited help, a tight budget, and I don’t end most days overwhelmed. I don’t start conversations describing my burnout, or lamenting how long the summer can feel.
This might sound a little high and mighty, a little self-righteous, sure-it’s-easy-now-just-you-wait. But stick with me, I want to help you. There’s are some of us out there making choices to live a simpler life, and reaping the benefits.
About a year ago, I found myself feeling burnt out, overwhelmed, and drained. With a 3.5 year old and newborn, I felt beyond new-mom-emotionally-exhausted. I keep looking up synonyms to vary the description of how I feel, but moms know there isn’t any other way to describe this feeling (and knowing that motherhood isn’t a job you can quit or city you can move from).
I have been so busy this year, so busy sitting still.
I’ve worked really hard to change my life in the past year, and some of the changes that I’ve made have had lasting impact. There are some things detailed in this blog post that I stopped doing this year and I will never do them again. It hasn’t been easy, but nothing in this post is impossible, costs money, or hasn’t absolutely bettered my life.
My life a year ago
Again, I had a 3.5 year old a few-month-old and I felt really tired. Burnt out. All moms are, right? Hardest job in the world, right? I couldn’t help but feel like it shouldn’t be this hard.
I had somehow come across Cal Newport’s podcast through the YouTube algorithm and was intrigued by his no-nonsense approach to cell phones and social media. He frequently compares social media to smoking cigarettes (if you’re trying to quit smoking, you don’t allow yourself a cigarette a day, you quit cold turkey).
I had a contention relationship with social media for the past few years, cutting down just to Instagram. I would periodically delete the app, redownload just for a day or two, post a cute picture of my kids, bask in likes, post a story showing us getting covered in paint on the kitchen floor, baking a pie, walking barefoot in the rain (see, see, see! I am such a fun and cool mom). I would also see pictures of other peoples houses (nicer than mine), vacations (nonexistent in this house post-Covid), and absolutely ENDLESS videos of parenting ideas, poverty-porn from 3rd world countries, recipes, “here were early warning signs my kid has autism/diabetes/depression/”, tips to manage bedtime, etc.
I could be sitting in bed, open up Instagram, scroll those videos for 10 minutes, and my anxiety level just went from a 2 to a 10 and I didn’t even lift my head off the pillow.
So here I am, trying to parent and teach emotional regulation, trying to get through the day on 4 hours of sleep, 0 self-care time, and I am allowing myself to go on this emotional journey of all of this content being fed to me.
I also think there is a TON of content out there that talks about how difficult parenting is (it is!) or how lonely it is (sure!), but for me, that created a kind of invisible echo-chamber. And now that I’ve gotten rid of some things in my life that were creating burn out and stress (keep reading!) I don’t find that to be true, in this season of life.
Last summer, I deleted my Instagram account all together and I’m never going back. I have saved hours of my time, I’m more present, and my anxiety has never been this close to nonexistent.
It really did feel like withdrawals that first week. I kept picking up my phone looking for a cheap dopamine hit that didn’t come, which further affirmed my belief that social media is addictive and destructive.
The less I’m on my phone, the more I’m out in my community. The more work I do on myself, the more I am myself, the less exhausting social interactions become, because I don’t feel like I have to pretend. This has turned me into an aggressive inviter when it comes to the park/library/classes. I have found true community outside of my phone, one that I can rely on, has faults, and is happy to meet me for a cup of coffee on a Saturday morning.
Our brains were not meant to process all of this.
Here’s why you might feel burnt out:
Social Media
- It’s more than seeing other’s “highlight reel”
- Your brain is on OVERLOAD seeing images from the news and things that will make you anxious (if you’re already anxious, like me, this is creating a feedback loop of needing to consume new information so that I can “protect” my kids)
- You are making a choice to stay out of the moment and overload your nervous system by picking up your phone and doomscrolling
- You probably will not make 99% of those recipes or crafts with your kids
Replace it with
- Intentional searches: look up recipes based on ingredients you already have, your cultures cuisine, etc. You can easily use Pinterest to find kids activities tailored to the season, materials, etc.
- Sharing photos with loved ones: so many of my friends still want to see my kids accomplishments and how much they’ve grown. I simply text them.
- Intentional relationships: actually checking in with family and friends goes a heck of a lot further than “liking” a photo
- If your relationships are strong, you will still be included/invited in things
You are being over-notified
God bless those of you who choose to wear an Apple Watch and subject your self to constant notifications. Every time your phone lights up and you pick it up, you’re taking yourself out of the moment, distracting yourself from whatever task is at hand (even if that task is relaxing and watching TV).
I am a firm believer that the only notifications that you need are texts and calls, maybe the school app.
Here are some notifications that I don’t have, that I feel significantly contribute to feeling more rested and relaxed as a mom
- Doorbell camera: I do not feel the need to be notified every time the mailman comes, we have a solicitor, or nosy cat. This may be an unpopular opinion but I also don’t feel like my husband needs to be notified every time I leave the house, and vice-versa
- FitBits and activity trackers: I have a $10 step counter from Amazon. Does it look a little dorky? Yes. I’m in good health and I am fine with a doctor taking my stats once a year at my physical, I don’t need physical metrics being read to me constantly.
- Apple Watch: Again, I can’t believe these exist. Going back to Cal Newport’s podcast, something that I took from his approach is “parking” my phone. It has it’s designated spot on the bookshelf and I’m only notified of things when I choose to go over and open a text or call. I only keep my ringer on when my daughter is at school in case there’s an emergency. I also have to say that it really rude when I’m talking with someone and they go “hold on one sec” and read a text on their apple watch, or dismiss a call.
- Baby monitors: a cozy house makes this one easy. I noticed that when I have baby monitors on I am constantly checking them. Is the baby awake? Did they fall asleep? Why are they restless? Are they awake? Are they awake? Drove me nuts. They’re in a closet somewhere now. I just go in when they cry.
- Email: I am a hawkish unsubscriber. I limit the amount of emails I get, and I only see them when I open my email
- Any other apps: I don’t have notifications on for any apps except for texts, calls, voicemails, and my kid’s school. Everything else gets checked if it wants to get checked.
Obligatory “it’s my blog and I’ll write what I want to” break.
You’re over-scheduled. Your kids are over-scheduled.
Say it with me, “It’s not my turn”.
It’s not my turn to volunteer at 3 different places. It’s not my turn to show up to every party. It’s not my turn to travel the world or to have my white linen chairs stay white. And sometimes the reality of that sucks (again, getting off social media has helped this), but it’s the truth.
I absolutely am worthy of taking time to take care of myself, invest in myself and my marriage, and be of service of others.
But I can’t do it all. And I don’t want to.
I have been cautious to over-schedule myself.
More importantly, I don’t over-schedule my kids.
Letting them learn how to be bored has been one of the greatest gifts I could give them. I am constantly telling my older daughter that I’m 31-years-old, and I haven’t been bored for even a moment (it’s true).
They always figure out something to do.
Now that my oldest is… older, playdates, school events, birthday parties, the park, the library, and hours of daily unstructured play time, the days fill themselves. We are doing one class at a time. Our weekends together as a family are so sacred. This time all together is so short.
The last thing I want to do as a parent is shuffle my kindergartener from activity to activity because I’m scared to be seen as an insufficient parent. I know that her time intentionally engaging in the things she loves and spending time with loved ones is the most important thing.
That’s all I’ll write for now, I have so many more strong opinions about the things I have strong opinions about. I encourage you to find a “parking spot” for your phone, to unplug, to reassess what’s really important to you and to check if you’re walking the walk and not just talking the talk.
Let me know your thoughts (or strong opinions) below
O.
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