sleep training Archives - Leaf and Steel

Ah, let me just grab my megaphone and get onto my soapbox.

*I feel very strongly about this*

I will be screaming all of this into the void for the rest of my life.

Let’s begin.

My baby knows what she needs and it’s my job to listen to her and respect her.

I don’t know how we are in a place where “gentle parenting” even has a name and isn’t just called “parenting yet”. There shouldn’t really be another option, right? Either way, I’m happy society is moving in the right direction.

My daughter has a voice. She’s had a voice since she was in the womb. She would respond to different stimuli- cold water, Chipotle, light. Even before she was “here”, she’s been communicating with me.

My partner and I talked (and continue to talk) about how important it is for our daughter to understand consent and to know that her voice is hers.

I am not in her body, I don’t know what she needs. So, when she wakes up crying at 3 am for the eighth night in a row because she needs a sip of water – I’m not going to deny her water.

If she is rubbing her eyes an hour before her usual nap time, I put her to bed a little earlier. If she takes a few bites of her dinner and says “done”, then I believe that she’s done.

It’s these small moments that show her that I am listening and that I believe her.

Here are some ways we listen to our child.

let her finish eating
let her have more food
let her nap when she’s tired
respect her when she says “no” to a hug, kiss, etc.
she doesn’t have to hug or be held by anyone if she doesn’t want to

That last one can be a little tricky, especially with family. Although she adores all of her family members, she doesn’t have to hug or be held by them if she doesn’t want to.

We are so grateful that our families respect her boundaries listen to her voice.

When we stop responding to our babies in the middle of the night, tell them they need to eat when they aren’t hungry, tell them they are “fine” when they tell us they feel sick, we are teaching them to go against their gut.

My baby has a gut. It’s hers. She has intuition. Kids are like dogs, they pickup on things adults do not. It’s my job as a parent to protect her gut and listen to her, to teach her how to use it.

Here are some things we do to keep her intuition intact:

help her know the difference between a secret and a surprise
tell her the difference between safe and unsafe touching
tell her who to go to if she needs help
remind her that mommy and daddy will always keep her safe
remind her that there’s nothing she can do to make us stop loving her

I cannot wait for social media rules regarding parents and kids. I can’t wait for Instagram Coogan accounts.

I have this blog, I have social media. And I have a strict code of ethics when it comes to posting about my kid.

For the love of God, please stop posting bath pics. Stop telling strangers on the internet about potty training. Stop posting embarrassing videos, personal information, or school details.

Your child is a human being who ALREADY has thoughts and feelings.

Here are some of the ways we protect our child’s privacy:

respecting when she doesn’t want her picture taken
vigorously reviewing everything we post about her, including pictures
not disclosing her medical information
changing her privately rather than in front of people
asking others to respect our wishes as far as posting pictures and information about her

I could go on and on.

I think it’s really important for all of us to take time every so often to reflect on the fact that kids are just smaller adults.

It’s important to review safety protocols and define respect for your family.

What are your thoughts?

What do you feel strongly about as a parent?
Let me know below.

More from Leaf and Steel:

I don’t know who needs to hear it, but your baby doesn’t need to sleep through the night.

If your baby doesn’t sleep through the night, there’s nothing wrong with that.

There’s nothing wrong with your baby.

There’s nothing wrong with you.

“If you go in to the bedroom to help her fall asleep, don’t make eye contact. It’ll keep her from falling asleep,” I said to my husband.

Our daughter had to be maybe two months old, if that.

I followed lots of baby sleep Instagram accounts. There’s one in particular with millions of followers, who I won’t mention by name. It’s the Ferber method with cute little acronyms. I heard words like “sleep crutch” or “bad habit”.

I was indoctrinated to believe that there was something wrong with me and something wrong with my baby when she didn’t sleep through the night.

We never sleep trained, but I was beginning to use techniques that I had heard on these pages, such as not making eye contact for fear of stimulating my child’s brain. I thought there was something wrong with me for nursing her to sleep.

My daughter slept in three hour clusters for probably the first year of her life.

I thought I was damaging my kid by meeting her needs. I would get up for her every time she cried. Sometimes she was ravenous, other times she just needed a hug and a kiss and it was back to bed. Sometimes she had a bad dream and just wanted to be comforted.

There were so many nights I got just a few hours of sleep and so many mornings where I could barely function.

I thought I was a bad mom.

We decided we weren’t going to let her cry.

I don’t remember how it happened, or if it started truly was a conscious decision as first.

I was the one to get up with the baby (I had the boobs and I didn’t have a job). My husband understood that some nights were harder than others. We got a lot of takeout and I let the laundry go another day and no one died.

It’s what worked best for our family.

I unfollowed all those accounts.

I didn’t need to defend myself to anyone.

I could complain that I was exhausted and that didn’t mean I had to sleep train.

I vented to people who respected my decision and let me say how tired I was without needing to provide a solution. I hold those friends very close to my heart.

People love to ask two questions when you have a new baby, “are they good?” and “how is she sleeping? and they both are indescribably absurd. All babies are good babies. What does that even mean? And are they sleeping? Who cares. Are you sleeping? Great.

Recently, a mother of a 6 month old was telling me how her baby slept 11 hours the night before and offered to send me some tips. I nodded and said thank you.

And for a moment, that feeling came back.

That feeling that I was doing something wrong.

Or worse, feeling I was doing my baby a disservice by not meeting her needs. How crazy is that?

Of course, I came home and told my husband and reaffirmed my decision to get up with my daughter when she needed me.

I fully believe in my heart and maternal instincts that I’m doing and have done the right thing. The truth is that motherhood can be a wasteland – a vast expanse of loneliness and isolation. A lot of the times we’re making decisions for our children that aren’t supported or understood. The indistinguishable competition of motherhood is ruthless and unforgiving. It has no finish line or barometer. Most of the time I think we’re competing with each other in a desperate attempt to soothe our own defenselessness against the world.

I stand firm in my choice to accept my daughters needs and to listen to her.

I know this is a controversial topic. Maybe I’m putting this here because I don’t want to offend anyone in my life outside of this blog. Parenting is messy and in America today, mothers will likely never come out on top.