Leaf and Steel

motherhood - growth - living

Please Don’t Ask Me to Have a Baby

For the love of God, please don’t. I’m out of answers, I’m tired of explaining. I’ve joined the hoards of women harassed by wide-eyed relatives and reminded by concerned friends that yes, I have time, but I don’t have forever. As I write this, I’m aware that one person making one comment does not usually intend to cause harm. This is not my problem. My vexation is the steady flow of comments from other women about children.

Here is how one of these conversations usually go,

“When are you having kids”

“When we are ready”

“Oh, you’re never really ready!”

 

Or sometimes, this happens,

“I really want you to get pregnant on the honeymoon” (yes, people actually say this to me)

“Okay, please send $233,610 to my Paypal”

“Oh, there’s never enough money”

 

Let me get two things straight, I understand both those arguments. I’ve heard over and over that you can read every baby book on earth and you still won’t feel ready. I know that if I wanted to save $233,610 (the cost to raise a child born in 2015, according to the Department of Agriculture), I would miss my chance to be a mother entirely. However, no one is going to convince me that I’m crazy for wanting to wait a little while and build a nest egg before bringing another human into this unpredictable world.

I’ve had people approach my fiancé and ask him to convince me to have a baby right away. We separately came to the conclusion that we want to enjoy married life for a little bit, do some more traveling and continue to sleep in on Sundays. I cannot explain the relief I felt when he came to me and told me this. I’m so not ready for a little baby, and did I mention I’m 24 years old. I have time.

When friends make these comments I feel inadequate. Invalidated. Incomplete. I feel like I’m falling short of some natural duty. And I feel defeated for having to explain myself time and again.

I truly feel for women who don’t want children and have to put with this. We need to do better as a society when it comes to the expectations we put on future generations. Marriage is not for everyone. Children are not for everyone. Women assuming all other women want children or a ring is toxic. We’re whole, with or without kids.

For the last year of my relationship prior to getting engaged, I had engagement pressure. It felt like everyone was asking when I wasn’t engaged, or worse, what was wrong with my relationship that led to me not being engaged yet. I remember crying on the bed 3 days before I got engaged, telling my boyfriend that I was fed up and embarrassed that we had been together so long without a ring. Little did I know that he had picked up my ring earlier that day and was waiting ’til our 3 year anniversary that Friday.

The point is, those comments built up and made me feel like there was something wrong with me, like I was incomplete as a human being and my relationship was illegitimate, something to not be taken seriously. I know this sounds dramatic, but when it’s a consistent stream of questions and accusations it’s painful.

I had my come-to moment when I was listening to famous YouTuber and comedienne Jenna Marbles’ podcast. I can’t for the life of me find the episode. Anyways, she was lamenting on the fact that so many people comment on her videos “are you pregnant” “please have a baby” etc. She makes the very powerful point that she could have just had a miscarriage. She could be struggling to get pregnant. You have no idea.

This hit me in the heart. What if that was me? What if I literally had a miscarriage recently and then I had all these people asking me if I could please have a baby so they could gush over it. What if I secretly knew that I couldn’t have a baby. Jeeze Louise, what if I knew I never wanted kids…

 

 

So, here I am, 95 days out from my wedding and I have people down my throat about a baby. I’ve started to call people out. I’ve started to straight up say “I feel inadequate as a friend when you tell me that I have to have a baby”. I’ve started saying “I feel hurt”. I’ve started explaining how the pushing damages me and other women.

If you would like to ask me “do you want kids” or “what are your plans for the future”, I will happily tell you about all the names I have picked out and what the nursery is going to look like and how I want 2 kids and a dog and my white picket fence. 

This has been the year of learning how to talk to people. My mom, who works with young children, taught me that it’s better to ask “what grade are you in?” rather than asking a 6 foot 5th grader, who might be insecure about their height, if they’re in the 11th grade.

I’ve learned to not assume that every person in a relationship wants to get married. Not every woman 21-40 years old wants a baby. I’m working on not assuming. I’m working on listening rather than talking.

So, I’m grateful that I have a voice that I can use, and strong women beside me. I’m grateful I can recognize that when one person asks the dreaded question, I can acknowledge that they didn’t hear the five other questions I got that week. I can turn conversations around. I have an understanding fiancé who reminds people that we’re just trying to live in the day and that it’s inappropriate to ask these things.

For today, I’m content holding my friends babies and giving them back.

What’s your experience with baby pressure? Let me know below!

 

O.

Practicing Unconditional Love

2018 is my year of unconditional love. A great friend of mine came up with the idea of picking a spiritual principle at the beginning of each new year. It’s usually something one needs to incorporate in their life or the antonym of what they’re struggling with. I’ve found it to be a tangible New Year resolution and more formative then a diet or sleep schedule. It’s been a great pleasure to sit around with friends and brainstorm what we need, what we want to create in the next year.

After a prayer and a good night’s sleep, the term unconditional love came to mind. I had that little tug in my chest that it’s what I would need in 2018. So, what does it actually mean? I like Wikipedia’s definition,

“Unconditional love is known as affection without any limitations, or love without conditions. This term is sometimes associated with other terms such as true altruism or complete love.”

Loving someone, or something without conditions, what a concept. It immediately makes me think of the relationship between a mother and child. I love my siblings and my parents without any limits. No matter what, no question. With others, it’s more of a choice. I’ve learned that a considerable amount of love is a choice.

I lack practicing unconditional love with friends and strangers. I am prone to making judgements and internally denouncing someone else’s words simply because I don’t agree with them. When I don’t have acceptance for where someone is at emotionally, spiritually, and physically, I’m unable to practice unconditional love. Without it, I become the fair weather friend. I become the condemning spouse. I criticize any shortcomings within myself with the same cruel judgement. 

. . .

Evidence

I feel like I’m finally able to share some examples of how I’m applying this into my life and interactions with others.

Embrace

Just about all my dealings with others involve hugging (weird, I know). For the longest time, I would do the one armed hug with the ever so polite kiss on each cheek. Now, I’m focusing on embracing. You know that noticeable difference, between a “hello” and an embrace? That’s what I’m going for. It’s a win-win situation.

Loving Thoughts

I love my friends. I love most of the people I come in contact with. But, I have this problem. I love to be right. Love it. I love it so much that I’ve developed a habit of correcting people, telling them what they’re doing wrong, and offering a solution. Seems innocent enough, right? Nope. I don’t know what’s best for everyone, I don’t know everything, and most things are none of my business.

I’ve learned that most people just want to be heard, and my job is just to love. Last week, I was listening to a friend speak and needless to say I wanted to jump in. I brought the thoughts back “my job is just to love you” I said to her in my head. I was able to continue listening, because I was no longer her shepherd or her teacher or anything; I was just a friend. So, the limits break because I’m no longer holding that person to a standard or allowing a judgement to come between the two of us.

Self Love

Developing unconditional love for myself has been a process to say the least. The relationship with myself is the longest, most intimate relationship I will ever have. I want it to be a respectful, loving one. God, I know how long it takes to change a thought process. Someone suggested affirmations, which seem to work. It’s been like making vows to myself.

  • I love myself no matter what my body looks like.
  • I love myself no matter how much money I make.
  • I love myself for better, or for worse.
  • I love the parts of myself that are changing.

. . .

I’m excited to feel the changes that come when I focus on spiritual principles, especially this one. I’m hoping to do more, love more, be more conscious about how I’m viewing others and myself. When I’m loving, I feel good, simple as that. It helps bring the focus of myself, which instantly makes me feel better about myself and the world.

I debated writing this since we are well into 2018, but I decided I wanted some evidence of working this spiritual principle in my life prior rather than pontificating.Do you have any experiences with unconditional love? Have you found a way to cultivate it in your everyday life? Let me know below!