Your Baby Doesn’t Need to Sleep Through the Night

I don’t know who needs to hear it, but your baby doesn’t need to sleep through the night.

If your baby doesn’t sleep through the night, there’s nothing wrong with that.

There’s nothing wrong with your baby.

There’s nothing wrong with you.

If you go in to the bedroom to help her fall asleep, don’t make eye contact. It’ll keep her from falling asleep,” I said to my husband.

Our daughter had to be maybe two months old, if that.

I followed lots of baby sleep Instagram accounts. There’s one in particular with millions of followers, who I won’t mention by name. It’s the Ferber method with cute little acronyms. I heard words like “sleep crutch” or “bad habit”.

I was indoctrinated to believe that there was something wrong with me and something wrong with my baby when she didn’t sleep through the night.

We never sleep trained, but I was beginning to use techniques that I had heard on these pages, such as not making eye contact for fear of stimulating my child’s brain. I thought there was something wrong with me for nursing her to sleep.

My daughter slept in three hour clusters for probably the first year of her life.

I thought I was damaging my kid by meeting her needs. I would get up for her every time she cried. Sometimes she was ravenous, other times she just needed a hug and a kiss and it was back to bed. Sometimes she had a bad dream and just wanted to be comforted.

There were so many nights I got just a few hours of sleep and so many mornings where I could barely function.

I thought I was a bad mom.

We decided we weren’t going to let her cry.

I don’t remember how it happened, or if it started truly was a conscious decision as first.

I was the one to get up with the baby (I had the boobs and I didn’t have a job). My husband understood that some nights were harder than others. We got a lot of takeout and I let the laundry go another day and no one died.

It’s what worked best for our family.

I unfollowed all those accounts.

I didn’t need to defend myself to anyone.

I could complain that I was exhausted and that didn’t mean I had to sleep train.

I vented to people who respected my decision and let me say how tired I was without needing to provide a solution. I hold those friends very close to my heart.

People love to ask two questions when you have a new baby, “are they good?” and “how is she sleeping? and they both are indescribably absurd. All babies are good babies. What does that even mean? And are they sleeping? Who cares. Are you sleeping? Great.

Recently, a mother of a 6 month old was telling me how her baby slept 11 hours the night before and offered to send me some tips. I nodded and said thank you.

And for a moment, that feeling came back.

That feeling that I was doing something wrong.

Or worse, feeling I was doing my baby a disservice by not meeting her needs. How crazy is that?

Of course, I came home and told my husband and reaffirmed my decision to get up with my daughter when she needed me.

I fully believe in my heart and maternal instincts that I’m doing and have done the right thing. The truth is that motherhood can be a wasteland – a vast expanse of loneliness and isolation. A lot of the times we’re making decisions for our children that aren’t supported or understood. The indistinguishable competition of motherhood is ruthless and unforgiving. It has no finish line or barometer. Most of the time I think we’re competing with each other in a desperate attempt to soothe our own defenselessness against the world.

I stand firm in my choice to accept my daughters needs and to listen to her.

I know this is a controversial topic. Maybe I’m putting this here because I don’t want to offend anyone in my life outside of this blog. Parenting is messy and in America today, mothers will likely never come out on top.



  1. Yeah I agree — people do ask too often about how often the baby is sleeping & implies that if the baby isn’t sleeping through the night that you are doing something wrong. But it’s a baby ( a newborn baby) — they can’t sleep through the night. they get hungry or they have to be changed. it’s so unrealistic for people to ask that — and most people who do probably never were parents themselves.

    anyway, kudos to you & keep it up. your baby’s toes are adorable!

  2. As a new mum, I can only thank you for writing this. I really enjoyed reading it and I think babies waking up in the night means you are doing something right – I’d be worried if they didn’t! I like to look it as a way of them needing us mums night and day!

    1. I’m so happy it helped! It’s crazy that we carry them around in our bellies for 9 months and then expect them to be so independent. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

  3. Olivia, Just follow your heart. Every baby is different with different personalities and needs but one thing is the same, each is a gift from God. A baby cries for a reason- big or small- that needs to be addressed. Hang in there. You are doing great!

  4. We never sleep-trained either (it was what worked best for us). At one year our daughter self-weaned. At 22 months, our she let us know in no uncertain terms that she no longer needed to be rocked to sleep and started asking to be put in her crib after a bottle and cuddles. I do recognize that every child is different but I do truly believe they know what they want and need. We have always followed Aria’s cues and you know what? She’s amazing and smart and independent and is doing great. Well done standing your ground. You’re an incredible mother for many reasons I’m sure but that decision alone tells me how lucky your little one is to have you. Motherhood is hard, we need to be kind to ourselves <3

    1. Thank you for reading, Erin. I love honoring my baby’s cues and respect her needs! Thank you for your response and happy New Year!

  5. I completely agree! I found it so liberating when I stopped trying to ‘sleep train’ and instead just followed her lead. I’m sure that the reduction in my anxiety helped her sleep improve more than anything else!

    1. I feel the same way! I always just tell myself that this is temporary and one day she’ll be in college or an adult and I won’t be there to comfort her the way I can now. Thank you for reading and for your comment!

  6. I’ve received SO much advice over my two children and current pregnancy. I share only two or three sentences but this ONE applies: “Only YOU know how to raise YOUR baby”. Done!

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