I love this song. It was explained to me last night that the English word “love” is not enough; that the word we use for ice cream is the same that we use for a family members or a day of the week or even a song. What I mean to say is this song makes me feel something. It evokes some broken surge of nostalgia. It makes me feel as if I’m drifting away on a boat riding the current, leaving somewhere or something I once knew because it is time.
In a bulletproof vest,
with the windows all closed.
I’ll been doing my best,
I’ll see you soon.
It’s a song for days like these. Or moments like this one. Alone in my kitchen. I hit shuffle on iTunes to override the silence of the house. I grew up in a very old house with breath and creaks and moans. This new house has nothing to say to me yet.
I remember talking with a friend about this song. It was one of the songs we shared. I think they said that it reminded them of a business man in Iraq in a limo, thinking of his family. This was years ago, but I’m pretty sure that was the idea. It made me think of being a kid, and the loneliness that goes along with growing up.
Nothing is particularly wrong and there’s nothing to be corrected. There’s just the impenetrable fear of growing up. Or, that I am a grown up and I don’t feel like one. Or, that I spent so many years wishing I was an adult and now I am one and it’s not as cool as I thought it’d be. There’s a fear of not doing enough, not being enough. It’s as if I’m scared of my future self, scared that I’ll look back in regret one day that I spent too much time counting ceiling tiles or holding back.
I feel like I’ve trained myself to always, always look for the solution in situations. I think the solution tonight is to not find one. The solution is to continue my little cry and write my little thoughts on the internet and listen to the little song that makes me feel like I’m on a boat. The solution is to kiss my fiancé and my cat goodnight and to dream sweet dreams and go on living my little life, knowing that everyone else has felt what I felt.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. Do you ever get these feelings? Do you have a song that makes you feel like your on a boat? Tell me more.
For another song for days like these, check out my post on Halsey’s Hurricane.