My biggest fear is a cliché. It’s boring. You’ve heard it a million times. Everyone gets it, most get past it. My biggest fear is settling. Putting down roots. I just want to say that I love my life. I love my fiancé and my family and I love my friends and where I’m at. But, sometimes I can’t sleep because I’m terrified that I’m missing out on something. Sometimes it makes me cry.
Youtube suggested this song to me. Thank you Youtube bot.
The tone of it captures the feeling. I don’t think it’s the lyrics or the melody…it brings up this feeling of mourning for the future. Feels like 5am in the city, waking up early next to boys I used to love. Feels like leaving their apartments with a bloodstained heart. If you’ve ever been in the elevator of an NYU dorm room and felt your stomach drop with the car then you know exactly what I’m talking about.
It makes me miss being younger and feeling whatever I was supposed to feel, you know? Like feeling heartbroken when my heart was broken. It was so easy to give up and start over. I changed my mind and my hair and my identity constantly, not simply because I didn’t know who I was, but because I could. Consequences were limited and I wasn’t supposed to have any idea of who or what I wanted.
Lately, decision making seems so intentional. Based in 5-year-plans, future fertility and retirement. Everything is done with purpose. I miss falling backwards, arms flailing. I know I want the life I have. What a gift, right? I just get this longing sometimes.
I know this isn’t the end of exploring.
I don’t know if this is making sense. Just feeling a little despondent. I hope you are having a peaceful