A Song for Days Like These

My biggest fear is a cliché. It’s boring. You’ve heard it a million times. Everyone gets it, most get past it. My biggest fear is settling. Putting down roots. I just want to say that I love my life. I love my fiancé and my family and I love my friends and where I’m at. But, sometimes I can’t sleep because I’m terrified that I’m missing out on something. Sometimes it makes me cry.

Youtube suggested this song to me. Thank you Youtube bot.

 

 

 

The tone of it captures the feeling. I don’t think it’s the lyrics or the melody…it brings up this feeling of mourning for the future. Feels like 5am in the city, waking up early next to boys I used to love. Feels like leaving their apartments with a bloodstained heart. If you’ve ever been in the elevator of an NYU dorm room and felt your stomach drop with the car then you know exactly what I’m talking about.

It makes me miss being younger and feeling whatever I was supposed to feel, you know? Like feeling heartbroken when my heart was broken. It was so easy to give up and start over. I changed my mind and my hair and my identity constantly, not simply because I didn’t know who I was, but because I could. Consequences were limited and I wasn’t supposed to have any idea of who or what I wanted.

Lately, decision making seems so intentional. Based in 5-year-plans, future fertility and retirement. Everything is done with purpose. I miss falling backwards, arms flailing. I know I want the life I have. What a gift, right? I just get this longing sometimes.

I know this isn’t the end of exploring.

I don’t know if this is making sense. Just feeling a little despondent. I hope you are having a peaceful

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6 thoughts on “A Song for Days Like These

  1. This makes perfect sense, and you’re at a very sensitive point in your life. I’m twice your age and closer to retirement than your age. I can tell you, from my experience, you’re afraid you’re missing out because you think negatively. You dont know how good it can be to settle down, FULLY love someone, and have kids, and a house, and a career….

    It’s AWESOME to feel that much love and happiness. Sadly, it’s not easy and we have to work for that success so many miss out on it.

    Don’t look at life for what you’re missing. Look at it as you’re chance to make it what you want – this way you can’t miss out on anything…. You’ll already have it as good as it gets.

    Like

  2. I like your writing style. Leaving college friendships and committing to a marriage is a big step that comes with its own set of fears, confusion, and emotions, but at the end of the day, it’s a conscious decision to form a lifelong legal partnership with a loved one. It appears you know it will not be easy and that you will have to change, but you would change with or without marriage and the completion of college. As you grow into a an adult, you will grow in love and marriage and you will look back on your identity shifts throughout life. I hope you enjoy and welcome your growth while you remain engaged in the child in you.

    Having doubts is natural. Search your soul to see if that something you might be missing out on can only be achieved as an unmarried person. If you’re having these feelings, it sounds like you fear your decision. Trust in yourself and know that if you change your mind; there’s always divorce court!

    Changing your mind on a proposal is a MASSIVE life changing event, but not as life changing as marriage.

    It’s not a bad thing to fly by the seat of your pants as long as your basics decisions are in tact and you don’t choose to follow a course of destruction. If you go through life doing what you think is expected of you, such as marriage, college, work, parenting, and retirement and don’t take time to double check your self satisfaction, your growth, happiness and identity in your decision making, the less connected you will be to your self and others (in my humble opinion). The key thing is not putting to much pressure on yourself to meet your parents expectations and remember to have fun in the process while following through with commitments no matter how tough it might be 🙂

    Sounds tough, but its easy 🙂 Stay true to you, embrace your stages in life and grow.

    Best of luck!

    Like

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